About criticism…
This time of year, I often get requests for coaching from higher ed. leaders who are starting new positions on July 1 and want to do the best job possible. It makes sense to work with a coach on goal setting, communication, influence, professional relationships, strategic planning, effectiveness, and addressing blind spots. Administrators are judged, sometimes harshly, during their first few months on the job, and avoiding preventable mistakes is critical. But who do you think is their worst critic???
Most of the time, they are their own worst critics! In fact, they tend to scrutinize every single detail with criticism and a complete absence of compassion. Why? If you ask them, they will say that’s how they were raised. And if you ask them if they hold other people to the same exceptionally high standards, they will say no. Why? Because when it comes to other people, they see situations clearly and have compassion. But when it’s about them, they can’t think rationally and go on auto-pilot.
Make a conscious choice
To break free from old habits, you must decide that you will stop doing the things that harm you (and/or others) and start acting more deliberately. Start by observing your thoughts. Do you worry about what people think about you? Do you want to be liked by everyone? Do you worry about making a mistake, or saying something you shouldn’t, or looking like an imposter? Do you obsess over things you haven’t had time to do and can’t get to? Do you tend to feel guilty often? When facing a new challenge, do you feel inadequate?
Well, stop it! You may think you can’t stop feeling your insecurities because they feel real to you and you seek reassurance for every single one of them. The problem is that most of them are products of your over-thinking and they don’t need any intervention. They just need you to stop! That’s the only way you’ll find peace. If you insist on finding some sort of resolution for every worry or doubt you have, you will spend the rest of your life dealing with a bottom-less pit of neurosis. Is that what you want?
Change your focus
Whatever has happened to you in your childhood, I can guarantee there is someone else (most likely hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people) who have gone through something similar and responded differently. I am in no way dismissing your pain but pointing out that they are many different ways to respond to events. You can make new choices and free yourself anytime you want.
The easiest and fastest way to free yourself from most insecurities is to stop being so self-centric and focus on your work, your mission, your values, and the people you serve. Once you stop being the object of your attention, you stop being the object of your criticism. Please understand that giving yourself constant criticism is a form of self-harm and there is no honor or virtue in it. In fact, it’s rather annoying for people who have to constantly hear why you’re not worthy or you’re not good enough. Hearing someone go on and on about how inferior they are, is just as frustrating and irritating as hearing someone go on and on about how superior they are. So, stop it!
Make the shift
Stop indulging in feeling your insecurities and focus on your work. Some people may need to go to therapy to heal old wounds, but I know from my professional experience that the majority of higher ed. can become conscious of their old habits and choose to create new ones, without taking years to analyze their past. Once they realize there is nothing wrong with them and they can finally stop trying to earn approval or feel worthy, and channel all that energy and peace into their work, they become unstoppable!
Payoffs
When people resist change it’s always because there is a payoff to keeping their problem and staying stuck. If that’s the case for you, ask yourself what you may lose by changing. Some people are afraid to change because their insecurities give them permission to dream small and not take risks. Others prefer to feel bad about themselves because it gets them attention and care from others. Some people choose to stay stuck so that they can stay in their comfort zone and not make efforts. Others are afraid to fail. Others are afraid to succeed and create a life that will demand more from them.
Decide
What will you decide? Will you choose to stay stuck because that’s what’s familiar and change scares you? Or will you decide to seek empowerment and freedom from over-thinking? Change is hard when you try alone because your subconscious mind will always lead you to repeat what’s familiar instead of growing. But you don’t have to do this alone.
Work with me and we will differentiate any skills you need to acquire or refine to be an exceptional leader, versus what insecurities are not justified and need to be released. You will become less self-critical, more energized, more trusting in yourself and in your future, and you will be free of old thoughts and habits that held you back your entire life. Click here to schedule a complimentary call with me. I look forward to speaking with you soon.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.