Why you need to believe in yourself more
A topic that often comes up in coaching sessions and messages on social media is self-confidence. Lacking self-confidence comes at a very high price, between the opportunities you didn’t take, the times your self-doubt caused you to underperform, and the negative emotions associated with not believing you can be successful. Sigh… It feels terrible and keeps your life limited, doesn’t it?
You need to believe in yourself more, in order to have a positive outlook on the future, feel better, have more energy, set exciting goals, live more fully and serve others at a higher level. It’s essential, especially if you want to make 2021 a much better one than 2020.
What does self-confidence mean to you?
People who lack self-confidence often view it as a gift or talent they weren’t lucky enough to receive. They forget that confidence is like a muscle; some people build it more easily than other, but everyone can succeed if they work at it with enough dedication.
Other people confuse confidence with arrogance. They take pride in being overly humble and even use self-deprecation to prove they are a good person. Sacrificing, enduring, suffering, and doubting makes them feel significant. They’re often highly critical of confident people, especially when they have more success than them.
The majority of people I encounter who say they lack self-confidence don’t use it as a way to feel superior or noble. It’s usually a long-held belief they never really questioned enough to overcome it. Even though it’s painful to live this way, it’s familiar therefore, it’s comfortable. They are used to missing out and used to feeling bad, so they don’t have enough drive to change. Also, it has become a part of their identity, and they don’t know who they would be without it. They are afraid of what it would mean to be more confident, afraid of doing intimidating things, afraid to take more risks.
What self-confidence really means
You may feel confident in the areas where you have had success and not confident in areas you’ve failed or never even tried. But this lens is really about competence. It’s natural to feel confident when you know you are competent and feel not confident when you know you are not competent. But this is not what I am talking about here. Confidence is about the person and their mindset, rather than a measure of competence.
People who have healthy self-confidence don’t always know if they have the right competencies or resources to fix whatever problems the future may bring, but they don’t worry about that. Their super-power is that they trust themselves to work hard, to follow-through on their intentions, to figure things out, and to succeed. They don’t need to know the details of what they will do or how they will do it. They just know that they won’t make excuses, won’t procrastinate, won’t hide from reality. Confidence is a mindset.
How to build your self-confidence
If you lack self-confidence, it’s because you don’t trust yourself. Why don’t you trust yourself? Looking at your recent past, have you let yourself down? Have you set an intention and not followed through? Have you been making excuses instead of taking responsibility? Or are you wasting precious time and energy indulging in self-doubt and worrying about your insecurities, which left you too worn out to act?
I find it shockingly common in higher ed. leadership to either make excuses and let it become the norm, or taking responsibility only when there is accountability, but dropping standards when no one else is involved. In other words, some leaders think it’s ok to over-promise and under-deliver because that’s the culture. Others on the other hand are highly dependable and trustworthy when they have to do something that impacts other people, but drop the ball when they will be the only one suffering consequences.
To build your self-confidence, you need to focus on self-discipline and always follow-through on your commitments, even when no one is watching. It’s the foundation. I can’t emphasize this enough.
Keep yourself accountable
Make commitments to yourself but make sure they are realistic. You can’t declare that you will immediately be perfect at all things because you will inevitably fall off the wagon and create a self-fulfilling belief that you can’t change. So, start small, build a strong foundation, and keep building from there.
Start with the areas of your life that cause you pain. If time management is an issue and you keep having to apologize for letting people down, or if you don’t make time for what’s important to you, start by clarifying your intentions for each day and evaluate yourself daily to make sure you aren’t making excuses.
If neglecting your body is what causes you pain, stop feeling guilty and shaming yourself. Picture how you want to look and feel, decide what strategies you’ll implement, and do it. Same thing with your home (time to clean and declutter?) or anything else in your life you’ve been putting off. You might ask “Audrey, what does that have to do with higher ed. leadership?”. It’s about EARNING YOUR OWN TRUST in every aspect of your life. Prove to yourself that you are trustworthy, dependable, and resourceful.
The power of choice
Please understand that you can’t build more confidence if you’re feeling guilty for making poor choices, procrastinating, avoiding what’s uncomfortable, and letting yourself and/or others down. You must choose to break old habits and step up. That includes no longer indulging in self-criticism, self-pity, and worrying about things you can’t control. It’s going to require strength and commitment.
You have a choice. You can let your past create your future by repeating the same thoughts, validating the same beliefs, and acting the same way you always do. Or you can decide that enough is enough. You’re sick and tired of holding yourself back and you want to transform your life by becoming a confident person and a confident leader. I hope you choose the latter. Let me show you how to do it successfully. Click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how we can work together.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.