Having double standards
Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you would other people? I think all my executive coaching clients do. Their exceptional standards and work ethics contribute to their professional success and career advancement, but come at a high cost.
What about you? Do you take on more work than you would be willing to assign to a single individual? Do you expect yourself to work late at night and answer non-urgent emails on the weekend, even though you explicitly tell your staff not to do that, and to practice self-care instead? Does your behavior reflect what you advise other people to do when it comes to having healthy boundaries and time to enjoy life outside of work?
Here are five common reasons why higher ed. leaders tend to be too hard on themselves and sometimes push themselves to a breaking point.
1. Self-worth and professional identity are linked to hard work
If you believe that you must work hard at all times to be worthy, or to be a good person, or a good leader, you won’t be able to listen to your body when it tells you it needs nutrition, or rest, or movement, or even fresh air. Taking care of your body would feel lazy, complacent, or weak. Your behavior will not change if developing new habits seems to be out of alignment with your core values.
2. Your inner critic is a bully
Does your internal voice often say “you should have done more”, “you should have known better”, “you didn’t handle the situation well”, “you said something you shouldn’t have said”, or “you should have spoken more eloquently and convincingly”, etc.? Leadership requires self-awareness, responsibility, and willingness to grow, but not every thought is helpful. If your inner critic is a bully and makes you feel unworthy or inadequate, you won’t be able to give yourself a break because you’ll think the pressure is what keeps your performance high.
3. You don’t trust yourself enough
If you experience chronic anxiety or fear that something will go wrong, you won’t be able to let your guard down and relax for a moment. Every project or meeting will register in your subconscious as a threat because something unwanted can happen at any time. Your conscious mind will work overtime trying to prevent all sorts of problems, most of which are only in your imagination and won’t happen anyway.
4. Events in your past have created a habit of worrying
Perhaps when you were a child your care-takers were hard on you, didn’t show much compassion, and made you feel enormous pressure to be self-sacrificing and perfect. Or maybe you used to work for a supervisor who was unforgiving, impossible to please, and hyper-critical. In both cases, your nervous system is wired to avoid negative feedback or punishment and keeps you working too hard.
5. You don’t appreciate yourself
Most of us were not raised to reflect on our good intentions, good heart, kindness, or even our accomplishments. In fact, many of us were warned not to become arrogant and were encouraged to think less of ourselves. I understand that parents don’t want their children to become obnoxious, self-absorbed adults who believe they are better than everyone else. But there is a huge difference between a healthy amount of humility and feeling “never good enough” or not deserving of the things we need or want.
How to stop being so hard on yourself
People can tell you a thousand times a day to stop being hard on yourself, and you still won’t be able to stop, as long as you feel inner conflict. Inner conflict is when different parts of you want different things and can’t work together toward the same goal. For example, a part of you may be exhausted and wants to find balance but another part is judging it as weak, lazy, or complacent. Or perhaps a part of you wants to slow down but another part is terrified of the consequences (e.g., judgment from others, deadlines not being met, or mistakes being made).
Listen to your inner dialogue and give a voice to the parts of you that are afraid of what would happen if you were less hard on yourself. Truly listen to your fears, thank them for wanting to keep you safe, and give them reassurance. It’s only when all parts of you are in agreement that you will be able to change your thoughts and habits. Otherwise, it will be impossible to be self-disciplined and you will keep self-sabotaging.
For example, if your self-worth comes from hard work and sacrifice, you will need to find a different way to feel worthy, or “good enough”. It may sound difficult (and it is when you try on your own) but I can help you change your perspective to find more freedom in your life.
If your inner critic is a bully, ask yourself if you would say the same things to someone you love. You probably would not. Please realize that if you are too kind to say something hurtful and unhelpful to someone else, you need to have the same kindness toward yourself. You need to learn to trust that you are enough, you do enough, and you are strong and resourceful enough to face whatever life will bring.
Obviously keep being a strategic thinker and continue to take responsibility for your actions but know when it’s ok to give yourself a break and stop worrying. I am an executive coach, not a life coach, but to help leaders get unstuck it is sometimes necessary to give a voice to their inner child and learn to re-parent themselves, to change the narratives that have been so persistent for so long.
The key to transformation can be to learn to appreciate yourself, develop self-compassion and kindness, and forgive what happened in the past. It can also be to develop strength, courage, and resilience. Every person is unique and will need a different approach to be able to continue to excel at their work, without excessive self-sacrifice that is unhelpful and unsustainable.
So, what are you going to do now? You can read a myriad of books and research articles that demonstrate that employees perform better when they feel safe, supported, and appreciated, and that being kind to themselves is an important component. The more you read, the more your conscious mind will be convinced that you need to stop being hard on yourself. But will you? Sadly, no, you won’t. And that’s because there are parts of you that will continue to stick to the old narrative “I have to keep pushing myself or else I might become complacent” and the inner conflict will keep you stuck.
If you are sick and tired of being overworked, overwhelmed, and never feeling like you’ve done enough, or performed well enough, click here to schedule a complimentary call with me. We will discuss how we can work together to transform unhelpful narratives, reduce your anxiety and stress, identify empowering alternatives, and finally experience freedom and inner peace. If you’ve read this far, it means you need it. Don’t postpone it, schedule your call now. I look forward to speaking with you soon.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.