Society and Trends
Have you ever watched a movie that you liked in the 80’s but now you find yourself somewhat perturbed by how people treated each other back then, or by the things they said? I am glad we’ve made progress toward being more respectful and understanding of individual differences. However, we have gone too far and have put too much attention to finding what is wrong in every situation.
Not only that, but people are quick to use strong labels such as calling their boss a narcissist or calling normal everyday events “traumatic”. I have a huge heart and enormous empathy, but I am sorry, when an employee is under-performing despite being given every chance to improve, getting a mediocre performance review is not a traumatic event. It is a logical and fair consequence. Enough with the victimhood aimed at deflecting and avoiding responsibility!
Choosing Perspective
All people I find inspirational and would call role models have one thing in common: a painful past. It may have been a traumatic childhood, a tragedy in their adulthood, or any kind of uncommon challenge. Things that most people would say “shouldn’t have happened.” And that’s true, none of these things should have happened. But they did. And the people who were victimized chose to channel their pain into personal transformation. They don’t talk about what they went through because they healed and didn’t stay stuck in the story – even though the story was real.
I am thrilled that we no longer suppress emotions, normalize abuse, mis-treat employees without consequences, or feel like we must abandon ourselves to please others. Now, let’s aim for healthy balance, learning how to have our own back (no more self-repression and self-abandonment) without playing the victim when things get uncomfortable. Choosing blame and criticism is not an honorable way to rebel against unwanted events. Can we please look at situations for what they really are, and not describe them as worse than they are?
Are we making people weaker?
We live in a world where some people request a trigger-warning for everything that could be sensitive, and where a perfectly normal statement can be misinterpreted and labelled a micro-aggression. The problem with that is we are training people’s brains to find things to complain about, and their nervous systems can get stuck in hypervigilance. Is that progress? No, it isn’t.
The more we look for injustice, the more we find, real or imagined/distorted. All that wasted energy could have been used for creativity, improvement, performance, or to contribute to a pleasant and exciting work environment instead of fostering “misery loves company”.
When something unwanted happens, you have two choices:
Focus on how bad it is, how bad it can get, who is to blame, how it’s going to affect you, and why other people should change. How does that make you feel?
Accept that you can’t change what has already happened and instead of arguing with reality, use all your energy to figure out where to go from here. What steps can you take? How does that make you feel?
The first option is an effective way to feel off the hook because by blaming others, you don’t need to question yourself or even have to do anything. But that takes away all your power. Is that what you want?
The second option is giving you your power back. Instead of a pity party, you have a brainstorming session which can make you feel more in control and reduce anxiety or fear, because you get to help shape what happens next.
What patterns have you developed?
If you have gone far down the rabbit-hole of blaming others for how you feel and how you act, I encourage you to re-evaluate if that is making your life better. Not having to take responsibility or face fears can bring comfort short-term but is highly destructive in the long-term.
If on the other hand, you are sick and tired of people making excuses and you agree that, as a society, we have over-corrected and need some adjustments, I invite you to reflect on how you can stop walking on eggshells, and normalize taking responsibility. That is the greatest gift you can bring to some of your employees who need to course-correct, evolve, and become wiser before it’s too late.
Changing our habitual thoughts
I could write an entire book on this! Let me share with you a few things to consider to help yourself and others find balance when a reaction seems excessive.
Things to ask yourself:
Is the thing I am fearing real?
Is this thought making me weaker or stronger?
Am I blaming others for how I am responding to conversations or situations?
What is within my control? How can I focus on that?
Things to ask others who need help changing their perspective:
Do you feel better or worse when you focus on blame rather than solutions?
Could a different person facing the same situation feel and respond differently? What would be the difference between the two of you?
Does this situation hurt you disproportionately because it is stacking on top of other unprocessed past negative experiences? If yes, you need to find a way to release the past.
How would you feel if you reclaimed control over the things that are actually under your control, instead of spending your precious energy criticizing others?
And of course, I would encourage everyone to be mindful of how their attitude and behaviors are interpreted by others. How do you want to be perceived? What behaviors do you need to exhibit to create the reputation and personal brand you want for yourself?
If you’ve read this far, it means that either you are interested in growing in self-awareness and personal responsibility, or you have co-workers who make you a bit paranoid because even appropriate statements or questions could get you in trouble with HR or worse… Either way, I encourage you to you click here and schedule a complimentary call with me to discuss how we can work together to solve the situation. Talk to you soon.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness, reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.
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