Have You Felt Anxious for So Long That You Don’t Know How to Feel Safe and Relaxed Anymore?

Anxiety feeds anxiety

We used to say that anxiety came from worrying too much about the future, and the cure was to bring our attention back to the present moment. It’s not wrong, but it’s incomplete. Anxiety lives in the body as much as in the mind. Unprocessed past events, as well as repressed emotions, can create a chronic state of anxiety in the body. Once a person is in chronic stress and anxiety, they may be stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Life is then perceived through a lens of fear.

Normal every day events can register as threats in the nervous system. Over time, some people become so hyper-vigilant that they don’t feel safe anywhere. Please don’t let it happen to you.

Excessive focus on self-protection

Higher education leaders who feel too much anxiety will develop coping mechanisms that can be maladaptive. Some seek perfection to prevent having to face regret, judgment, or criticism. Others avoid discomfort at all costs, such as choosing not to have difficult (but necessary) conversations, participating in stressful meetings, or even returning emails they find uncomfortable.

Instead of using their energy and creativity to find solutions to problems, they seek ways to avoid all problems, which is impossible in higher ed. leadership. They may change jobs, or even look for employment in a different sector, but they cannot run away from their anxiety. It follows them everywhere they go. Having “self-protection” as a goal is a losing game. Needless to say, some work environments are not healthy and it’s best to leave, but that is not what I am referring to here.

Are the fears rational or irrational?

It’s essential to see situations as they are, and not worse or better than they are. Earlier, I stated “anxiety feeds anxiety” because a dysregulated nervous system will interpret normal occurrences as threats, and a body full of cortisol and adrenaline will invite thoughts that match that physiological state. Have you noticed how if you start worrying about one thing, your mind will give you a longer list of things to worry about?

A public figure on YouTube, Anna Runkle, teaches her followers to journal about their fears and resentments to be able to release them. My initial thought was that giving more attention and energy to fears that could be irrational would make them stronger. However, with great skepticism, I gave it a try and observed that some of the fears I had were disproportionally big. Even if things turned out the way I feared, I would still be ok. For an optimizer like me, “being ok”, is setting the bar too low (I like to set more ambitious goals), but sometimes it’s good to be reminded that being ok is enough! Therefore, it can be helpful to identify what is causing anxiety, face it, see it for what it is, and let it go.

There are thousands of public figures who teach people how to manage their fears and anxiety, so I encourage you to browse and see whose techniques you find most compelling. You must choose one approach and stick to it daily, otherwise, your anxiety will continue to rob you of joy and peace.

Personally, the shortcut I like to use is to ask myself “Is this thought making me stronger or weaker?”  If it makes me stronger, it means I am solving problems, and my thought process is useful and productive. It’s ok to continue. But if it makes me weaker, I know I am only creating more fear and worry, and not solving anything so I stop, and redirect my thoughts to something unrelated. I can get back to that issue when I am in a better state of mind and my body is relaxed.

“The Work” by Byron Katie

Over 20 years ago, I read a simple but profound book by Byron Katie, named “Loving What Is”. This woman helped millions of readers change their mindsets and their lives with 4 simple questions:

  1. Is it true?

  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

  4. Who would you be without the thought?

Most people who say they ruminate and stay stuck in loops, incapable of breaking free from recurring thoughts, can actually regain power over their own minds by asking themselves these 4 questions. It works exceptionally well, as long as the participant does it in good faith and does not try to advocate for their powerlessness.

Let’s take a simple example:

Thought: “I am not good enough to replace my boss when he retires at the end of the year.”

  • Is it true? “I think it’s true because I don’t have as much experience and charisma as he does.”

  • Can you absolutely know that it’s true? “Well, no, I am different than my boss, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do the job well, in my own way, with my own leadership style, and I have time to keep learning more.”

  • How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? “I feel ashamed, embarrassed, inadequate, and I feel like I would be letting our entire team down.”

  • Who would you be without the thought? “Without the thought that I am not good enough, I would be strong, resourceful, focused on learning, and I would ask my boss to mentor me and help me advance my career. I would know I am worthy of his time.”

Byron Katie then invites participants to do a turnaround, which could be “I know that I am more than good enough!”

My point is, don’t believe every thought you have. Thoughts are just thoughts, not truths. Use inquiry to question your thoughts and you will be able to escape the loops that have kept you stuck. You don’t have to do this alone. I am here to help.

Choice and self-discipline

I shared with you two types of inquiry you can use to get yourself unstuck, change your narrative, feel much better, and improve your life and career. But there are countless more. I am certain you could easily find at least a dozen techniques that would transform your life forever.

So, will you?

Pain, suffering, and discomfort are familiar. In contrast, change can seem intimidating but please trust me when I say that a few weeks of self-discipline until you develop new habits is well worth it. It is your duty to be the best role model possible for your team as well as for your loved ones.  

Anxiety and stress are complex, and I invite you to read more of my posts, to have multiple perspectives and tools you to help you:  https://thrivinginadmin.com/stress-reduction-articles

But ultimately, it is up to you! You can keep feeling terrible, blaming people and circumstances for how you feel, or you can choose self-mastery.

Imagine how your life would transform if you were not affected so deeply by what happens in your workplace. Imagine if the people you fear or dislike no longer had the power to mess with your mind and emotions!

Imagine how your quality of life would improve if you could relax and feel safe and secure.

If you have read this entire post, it means it’s time for us to chat. Please click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and we’ll discuss how we can work together. Looking forward to speaking with you soon.

 

About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.