Do you think about your own trauma?
In the past, most people thought of trauma as something that resulted from a terrible event such as sexual assault or witnessing atrocities in a war zone. But in the last few years, it seems everyone has been talking about trauma and realizing that most of us have some, to one degree or another.
If you’ve read “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, or studied the work of Gabor Maté, or learned from any of the trauma experts, you may think that your past trauma explains most of the problems you have today. And that’s probably right. From “big T Trauma” (e.g., being abused) to “small t trauma” (e.g., not getting your needs met as a child), there can be a lot to unpack and release.
Giving purpose to your deeper understanding
If you have been learning about trauma and reflecting on your own life, your behaviors, your coping mechanisms, and the missed opportunities in your life, you may understand yourself better now. Things are starting to make sense (e.g., why you avoid conflict, why you seek to please everyone, why you avoid discomfort, why you procrastinate, why you are too hard on yourself, why you fear rejection, why you need to control things, why you seek certainty and predictability, why certain behaviors trigger strong negative emotions, etc.). But please, don’t stop there! Some individuals feel powerless, not realizing that their maladaptive coping mechanisms can be changed, and their habits aren’t their identity.
I know it’s not easy. When I decided to become trauma-informed, I uncovered even more issues than what my conscious mind could recall. My high ACE score made me feel incredibly sad for the little girl I used to be. I felt grief and sadness. Learning about attachment styles explained many of my life choices… I’ll be honest, through the process, things got worse before they got better. However, the key is to use your new deep understanding to develop compassion for yourself and choose to make changes to heal.
Alchemizing pain into self-empowerment
For anyone not familiar with my work, let me specify that I am an Executive Coach working with executives in higher education administration, not a mental health professional. I am resisting the temptation to write about what I learned over the last few years (it’s so fascinating!) because there are experts who already do this, and can help you heal trauma, and it’s not my place. My intention here is to emphasize the fact that if you only learn about trauma to understand yourself and you stop there, your life won’t be any better. In fact, it may get worse. It is essential to acknowledge that you have the power to heal anything. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
During coaching sessions, now more than ever, some clients say: “This (fill in the blank) happened, therefore, I am (fill in the blank) or I do (fill in the blank)” and act as if their maladaptive coping mechanisms were inevitably going to limit them for the rest of their lives. The truth is, choosing to stay stuck is a choice. Countless modalities exist to heal, including somatic experiencing, certain types of exercise, breathwork, journaling, EMDR, therapy, and more. Finding the right solution for you can be a bumpy road and it will require courage, but it’s less painful than letting your trauma affect every aspect of your life, every single day.
Courage and mindset
When we look at trauma, we can easily fall into a rabbit hole and later on, have difficulty getting out of it. It’s essential to have the courage to see things as they are, and not use toxic positivity to pretend everything is ok when it’s not. Repressing unpleasant emotions is unhealthy. They can be stored in the body and create high anxiety and illnesses. Spiritual bypassing, meaning using spiritual teachings to skip every step and land directly at “all is well” can also involve a high level of repression and I am not advocating for that at all. I want to make this extremely clear.
But I am here to remind you of your strength and your ability to live a fulfilling life. Aside from any work you may be doing to heal your trauma, please remember what you want to create and experience in your life. Ask yourself what you need to do to become the person you see in your vision of your future. Know what you want, and go for it. Unless your nervous system is highly dysregulated, you have the capacity to get back in the driver seat and take charge.
Do more of what helps
Do you catch yourself obsessively thinking about the same issues over and over again, without being able to solve them? Are you stuck in a loop that gets you nowhere? Do you set intentions but a few hours later, let yourself down? Please observe what makes you feel bad and stop it! Doing more of the same is never the right approach.
Most people experience great satisfaction from making progress on things that matter to them. Look around, what needs your attention? If you make progress on things you’ve been neglecting, you will start to reclaim your personal power. What have you been avoiding? Look at it with courage and address it. Fear dissipates when we face it.
What are the daily practices that make your body stronger, support your cognitive abilities, and bring you joy? Do more of them. You matter. You are worth the efforts it will take to help you be your authentic self, without the burdens you’ve accumulated over the years. It’s extremely important to set goals, deadlines, timelines, and keep yourself accountable. Otherwise, self-care will be the first thing you drop when life gets busy.
I am writing this just a few days before Christmas. If you are reading it today, I encourage you to take some time during the winter break to reflect and make new choices. Please choose not to identify as a victim, but to identify as someone who has agency over your own life. If you need help, I am only a phone call away. I invite you to click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how I can help you make next year the best year you’ve had in a long time (or maybe ever!).
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.