Note: Irene is a fictional character based on common challenges many higher ed. leaders face. Clients’ personal stories are always kept strictly confidential.
Our first phone call
“Hello, Audrey. I’ve struggled to assert myself for a long time and since we’ve all been working from home, it’s been even worse. I find it difficult to speak up on zoom calls and I think I am losing visibility and influence. Also, layoffs are coming and my position doesn’t feel secure, so I need to start looking for another job. How can I interview well when I am feeling disconnected and invisible?”
“Irene, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Can you please help me understand what happens on zoom calls?”
“We have a few people on our leadership team who dominate conversations and it’s hard to find a good time to speak. I like to take time to think about my ideas before sharing them. I don’t want to say something wrong or say something at the wrong time. So… I hesitate, time passes, we get to the end of the zoom call, then I kick myself for not saying anything.
“How did you experience leadership team meetings when they were held in person, before COVID?”
“It was better in person because we could see everyone’s body language and the setting felt more inclusive. But even then, I hesitated to talk when I wasn’t sure my comments would be valued. You see, I am much younger than my peers and I always worry about having less experience and wisdom. I don’t know what I don’t know and that affects my confidence.”
The root of the problem
As Irene kept talking, it became clear that she was raised to be selfless and not be arrogant. She had been taught to show kindness and appreciation to others but never to herself. Her career was limited by self-doubt and she was suffering. Since she had always been discouraged from appreciating herself, she lacked self-confidence. She couldn’t see the value she brought to her university. How could she assert herself when she didn’t believe in herself? Her self-doubt also caused her to over-think constantly, trying to figure what she might have done wrong, or what wasn’t good enough. Her self-analysis and self-criticism felt like living 24/7 with a bully who never stopped judging.
Appreciation
Think about what happens to employees when they don’t feel appreciated by their supervisors. Does that improve their morale and work performance? Of course not. What happens when they receive relentless criticism no matter how extraordinary their work is? They doubt themselves, lose their self-worth, get depressed, and quit. So why would anyone do this to themselves?
That kind of behavior typically comes from someone’s upbringing, but it needs to be re-evaluated and discarded when it’s such an impediment to leadership and to living a joyful life. If you’re reading this story, a part of you can probably relate to Irene’s ordeal to some extent. So, let me ask you, what does “self-appreciation” means to you?
Notice I stayed away from the words “self-love” which can be massively triggering for some. Self-appreciation usually feels more accessible. It’s not about bragging, arrogance, feeling superior, or being vain or self-absorbed in any way. It’s simply about being able to notice positive aspects. It’s impossible for a kind, generous, and humble person to lose their essence and become arrogant by learning to have simple appreciation for themselves. Learning self-compassion opens the heart and makes people more loving. There is no negative side -effect!
Bringing back balance
Have you ever seen men at the gym who work out for hours every day but focus primarily on their upper body and have skinny legs? They keep wanting to lift more, have broader shoulders and larger biceps, and often skip leg-day. It seems so out of balance, doesn’t it? Can these frail little legs even carry the weight of the muscular upper body? Anyone who understands anatomy and fitness will tell you how important it is to have strong legs and a strong core.
Well, it’s the same here! Spending a lifetime only developing appreciation for others is the over-developed upper body and having no self-appreciation is the tiny, atrophied legs. You have to start exercising muscles that have been neglected for decades and build some strength. Nobody expects an over-night miracle. It will take time and practice but once your legs are strong, meaning once you start to see the value you bring to your campus, it will be easy to speak up and become more influential.
Some readers might say “But Audrey, I’ve been like this my entire life. I can’t appreciate myself. That feels wrong. I can’t do it. This is who I am.” And here is my answer: If you make a conscious choice to remain exactly as you are, I am fine with that. It’s your life; you get to choose whatever you want. However, if you really want to free yourself from those limitations, you have to do the work! Sometimes people try to act differently without having changed any of their beliefs or feelings so obviously, they fail. That’s because they are trying to do a marathon on these tiny, atrophied legs!!! It can’t work. They need to start building the self-appreciation muscles, at the right pace, and consistently. It’s tough to do alone but easy to do with a coach who guides you step by step.
If that story resonates with you, I invite you to schedule a complimentary call with me to discuss how I can help you gain more assurance and confidence. I promise that acknowledging your worth won’t turn you into an egomaniac! It will make you a more effective leader, a happier person, and someone who can interview skillfully and confidently. Let’s talk soon!
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.