Taking responsibility
When a higher ed. leader asks me to coach one or several of their team members, I always insist on having a conversation with them first, to assess if they are coachable and if we are a good match. It’s always fascinating to see how some people understand the importance of taking responsibility, while others are extremely reluctant to look at their own actions and blame other people and circumstances for everything that is not going well. If someone insists on seeing themselves as self-righteous victim, it’s best not to take them on as client.
Embracing or resisting change
The second indicator regarding whether someone will be successful or not, is how much they resist change. When someone understands that change is needed and they agree to modify some of their behaviors but don’t follow through, it’s because they are too afraid of what they might risk or lose. Their conscious mind says “yes!”, but their unconscious mind says “no!” to avoid imaginary danger. Because of unsolved inner-conflict, they will find any excuse to cling to their old habits. They will often use the excuse of not having time, or say something unexpected happened which caused them to re-prioritize. And this can go on for weeks, months, years, or even decades. That is why when you ask an employee to do something differently, you’ll need to pay attention to what makes them hesitate or avoid the issue altogether. If they are not “all in”, you will become increasingly frustrated by their lack of progress.
Professional identity
This is the big one! Identity is just as important but far less recognized and understood when it comes to professional success. What people think they are, and what they think they are not, determines the decisions they make and the actions they take (or don’t). For example, if they describe themselves as a perfectionist, an over-achiever, a people pleaser, or someone who struggles with deadlines etc., it is much more difficult for them to break habits and change their behavior because they are confusing behavior with identity.
If changing habits means losing their identity, their unconscious mind will do everything possible to create self-sabotage. These people don’t know who they would be without the behaviors that are causing problems. It is often the root cause of resisting change. In addition, when people are presented with a simple solution to a problem they have had for decades, some will feel shame for having been “stuck” for so long, so they will not act on the solution to justify their struggle.
Who we believe ourselves to be, determines what is or isn’t possible for us. That is why, to succeed at something new or different, we must start by asking ourselves “Who do I need to become to accomplish my vision?” Other helpful questions include “What would someone need to believe in order to be able to accomplish this goal?” or “What would they need to start doing? Or stop doing?”
Believing in themselves
Some coaching clients understand that the only real limitations are those they place on themselves and are eager to trust the process and create a vision of who they wish to become. That typically creates excitement, enthusiasm, and momentum. However, others don’t give themselves permission to be their authentic self and prefer to remain a smaller version of who they are, because they think it’s safer. It can be for fear of judgement, or fear of losing relationships, or fear of failure.
Have you ever read a book or listened to a podcast by someone who inspired you profoundly but you thought “I believe their methods work, but they won’t work for me.” If that’s the case, what makes you so special that you are helpless? Or do you think you don’t deserve success? Sorry for the harsh questions, but it pains me to see people unnecessarily struggle with the same problems year after year.
Do you believe in yourself? If not, what is stopping you? Many higher ed. leaders have stories about past experiences that repeated themselves, even in different environments, and have developed learned helplessness. But… what is the common denominator of all these experiences? They are. That’s right, no matter where they go, there they are, with their habits, negatives thoughts, inner-conflict, and self-sabotage. That sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? That’s why they need to re-think their identity and what is possible for them.
Watch out for these signs
Please, do yourself a huge favor and start noticing if you do any of the following:
One moment you see a situation clearly and decide exactly what you are going to do, but a moment later, you fall back into old habits. You torture yourself with this back and forth pattern and can’t seem to be able to move forward. You’re stuck in “yes but…”
If you journal, meditate, or simply allow yourself to daydream for a minute, you can see clearly what you want for yourself. But then you start criticizing yourself “I am not [fill in the blank] enough”, “I don’t deserve…”, “I can’t because…” etc. Then, when you see someone else accomplishing your dream, you resent them. How dare they do the things you refuse to do??? Why don’t they have the same blocks? (Spoiler alert: Most of the time, the answer is “They feel fear too, but take action anyway.)
You procrastinate but you don’t call it procrastinating. You choose to take care of someone else’s needs, or you create some sort of urgency and have to re-prioritize, you find a justification for not having the resources you need, and so on and so forth. Or maybe you think you’re 100% onboard and you’ll start tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.
You are an intelligent person and fully understand the complexity of an issue, therefore you look at every single thing that is remotely connected and no solution can be found. In higher ed., we are exceptionally good at that! Sometimes you need to simplify complex situations, either by taking it one task at a time or by realizing that you can’t please everyone and that’s ok. When clients describe an “impossible issue” to me, I always look for the bottom line or the most important aspect that needs to be prioritized over other considerations. And we move forward.
So… who is most likely to succeed? It’s the leaders who take full responsibility, embrace change, enhance their professional identity, and choose to believe in themselves. The least likely to succeed are those who blame others, feel victimized (that’s a great way to be off the hook!), and find excuses to avoid change. In which category are you, and most importantly, who do you want to become? If you’re sick and tired of having the same struggles year after year, I invite you to click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how I can help you. It’s never too soon to improve your life and career. Let’s do it!
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.