Note: Helena is a fictional character based on challenges higher ed. leaders often face. Clients’ personal stories are always kept strictly confidential.
Our first phone call
“Hello, Audrey. I’ve been reading your blog for years and what you teach has been very helpful to me personally and professionally. I like your message about doing outstanding work without killing yourself in the process, and still having a life outside of work.”
“That’s fantastic, thank you, Helena. What’s troubling you?”
“My supervisor is very old fashioned when it comes to hard work. She values selflessness, extreme personal sacrifice, and not having a life outside of work. She often makes passive aggressive comments about how she is working so much harder than the rest of us. She takes pride in never taking breaks or even days off. She works even when she’s away on vacation. She takes on an amount of work that seems unrealistic for any one human being. Her behavior makes me feel lazy in comparison.”
“Have you had an evaluation recently?”
“Yes.”
“What did she say about your work performance? Are you meeting her expectations?”
“Yes, she gave me a very good evaluation.”
“Then, what’s the problem?”
“I feel terrible. I have to hear every day about her extraordinary accomplishments, massive efforts, sacrifice, dedication, etc., and I feel like no matter how much I do, it’s never enough.”
Helena’s story is really fascinating because (1) she was an excellent manager and leader, (2) she was not asked by her employer to make any improvements, and yet, she felt inadequate! Her discomfort came from listening to her boss talk about herself and making comparisons. She thought her boss was passive aggressive and trying to get her to work more. Was that even true?
Whose baggage is it, anyway?
Imagine landing at an airport for a conference, getting off the plane, walking towards baggage claim, and seeing a suitcase on the carousel that looks like yours. You walk quickly to go grab it, but as you put your hand on the handle, you see someone else’s name on it. You quickly realize the baggage isn’t yours. What do you do? You immediately put it back on the carousel for its owner to get it, and you wait for yours, right?
Would it make sense to pick it up knowing it’s not yours, bring it to your car, take it to the hotel, and wear the clothes that belong to someone else? Of course, you wouldn’t do that. Before you pick up any baggage, ask yourself if it’s really yours.
Please do the same thing when it comes to self-judgment. You probably already carry too much baggage already, and you don’t need to burden yourself with other people’s drama.
Dissolving illusions
Talking with Helena, it became obvious her supervisor was raised to believe her self-worth came from hard work. The real reason she talked incessantly about her hard work and sacrifice was her desperate need to feel worthy and to hear validation from others. She was not trying to get Helena to work harder because she wasn’t concerned about Helena. She was hyper-focused on trying to prove she was worthy.
I helped Helena understand that the issue wasn’t about her. Since her work performance was good and she didn’t have any challenges to overcome, she could stop doubting herself. She had to accept that her boss’ comments were not passive aggressive ways to torture her. They had nothing to do with her. She had to let that go.
I suggested to Helena to show her boss more appreciation and on occasion, give her praise. Once her supervisor felt seen and appreciated, she started to relax a little, smile more, and be more pleasant to be around. Annoying comments were less frequent, and in fact, were no longer annoying since Helena knew not to take them personally.
Helena’s insecurities
Does that mean that all is well with Helena? Not really. Something had caused her to take her supervisor’s comments personally, while many others heard the same words and weren’t affected at all. Other people saw the supervisor’s desperate attempts at gaining recognition and accolades but didn’t make the story about themselves. What’s the difference?
When we have doubts or insecurities about something, we expect everyone else to judge us the same way we judge ourselves. But believe me when I say they don’t. If they judge you, it’s based on their projections of their own insecurities, meaning it’s based on what troubles them, not what troubles you. But more often than not, they aren’t judging you, they aren’t thinking of you at all, they are fixated on their own insecurities!
Helena had already overcome her need to always work more, years ago. She had found balance between work and life but was still tormented by a “not good enough” voice. She felt she was not a good enough communicator, she wasn’t good at building relationships with influential people, she hesitated to speak up in meetings because she wasn’t sure she was knowledgeable enough etc. The “not good enough” voice was the lens coloring her perception of every situation. As a result, she took people’s comments personally, was hurt very often, and didn’t think highly of herself.
She signed up for a 3-month leadership development program to overcome her insecurities, change her mindset, free herself from her tormentor (not her boss but her not good enough voice), and become a much better leader. If you can relate to any parts of this story, I invite you to click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how we can work together. Talk to you soon.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.