Avoiding discomfort creates more discomfort
Is your stress level at an all-time high? If yes, you are not alone. Changes in leadership, new mandates, reduced funding, political issues, sigh… nothing is certain, and minds are busy worrying and creating contingency plans.
And what makes the situation worse is the judgement that “This should NOT be happening!”
When something is happening (or has already happened) and can’t be changed, fighting reality is futile. And yet, we still do it. We lament because reality doesn’t match our preferences or our value system. But is a negative emotional state conducive to better problem-solving? No.
All it does is waste time and energy that were spent complaining and worrying instead of moving forward.
Core belief systems
It’s critical to become more self-aware and identify what drives our thoughts, emotions, and actions. For our own survival, humans are designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It makes sense to avoid risk and discomfort when we can, but an excessive attachment to being comfortable at all times can be crippling.
Over the last decade I have worked with higher ed. administrators to empower them to become stronger leaders, which involved understanding their habits and breaking those that were no longer in their best interest. In early conversations, it’s fascinating to notice how often someone might say “I don’t like this” or “I don’t want that” or “I avoid this” or “It’s not in my wheelhouse to do that”. They are acutely aware of what they don’t want to experience, and have a fixed mindset, wanting to avoid discomfort, as if it were their only option. The problem with avoidance is that the list of things people want to avoid for self-protection tends to get bigger over time and make life more and more restricted. And living a restricted life creates pain!
Choose a different approach
Please realize that if you only want to do what is comfortable, you are limiting yourself (and the people you’re supposed to serve) and creating a lot of resistance to how life unfolds on a daily basis. Your clinging to comfort makes life very stressful and painful!
Instead of rejecting anything that doesn’t feel easy, remember that what you’ve been doing for years or decades is exactly that, “what you’ve been doing” and not “who you are”. It is not a reflection of what you’re capable of doing; only a reflection of what happens when you’re on auto-pilot and react mindlessly to circumstances.
Instead of reactivity and mindlessness, you can choose intentionality. Ask yourself who you want to be. Imagine a new version of yourself who doesn’t lead from fear and avoidance.
- How would your life change if you acted from a place of vision, strength, and purpose?
- What would become possible?
- How would you feel?
- How would it benefit you and the people around you?
Don’t just read these questions; take at least 5-10 minutes to visualize this new life, because it is absolutely within reach, as soon as you commit to it.
New professional identity
Now that you have defined who you want to be as a leader, ponder the following questions:
- What would you have to believe, to become that person? (E.g., believe that I will be successful, that I will be safe, that I will be resourceful when challenged, etc.)
- What would you have to do differently, stop doing, or start doing? (E.g., stop worrying about what people think of you and focus on your mission instead, pause to respond with intention instead of being triggered and reacting mindlessly, prioritizing more effectively, seeking feedback, looking for ways to improve, be consistent and reliable etc.)
- How would your professional relationships need to shift? (E.g., have healthy boundaries, don’t allow anyone to disrespect you or manipulate you, stop doing other people’s jobs, be less judgmental of others and seek to understand before you ask to be understood, etc.)
Self-assessment
The level of discomfort and anxiety you are experiencing is directly correlated with your level of authentic and courageous self-expression. When you act consistently with who you are at your core, you let go of regret, inner-conflict, self-doubt, hesitation, avoidance and procrastination.
However, when you repress your feelings, dreams, wishes, and your true nature, you cannot find peace, and trust in life and in your future. How are you feeling? Are you ok?
Our society is currently going through a phase where people are encouraged to discover what made them feel the way they feel, to understand and justify it, but not take the next step which is to find freedom from past events. I am not dismissing the past, but I am here to remind you that your life is yours, and you have the power to choose a new professional identity, and act accordingly.
Obviously, severe physical health or mental health issues can make some dreams out of reach (at least temporarily). However, you may be underestimating how much power you have to change for the better.
If you would like to discuss how we can work together to help you break through your current limitations, please click here to schedule a complimentary call with me. Let’s talk soon!
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.