Fundamental mistake: expecting other people to be like you
Not a day goes by that I don’t hear someone complain about someone doing or saying something that they, themselves, would never do or say. Each one of us has a value system and habits that were developed over time. Some were shaped by events, wanted or unwanted, and others were created by choice. When we make choices based on our values, it can be difficult to withhold judgment when someone else lives by different values and rules. Putting aside cruelty, dishonesty, abuse and other things that most of us agree are wrong, the majority of day-to-day events and conversations are highly subjective, and we can’t expect everyone to have the same perspective.
Failure to get buy-in
Have you ever been excited about an idea, but struggled to find collaborators, partners, customers, or to get your supervisor’s approval? Do you get frustrated when people don’t see what you see? It’s easy to blame them for their lack of vision or courage, but blaming others only leads to powerlessness. To get better results, stop judging people’s lack of enthusiasm and ask yourself “What’s in it for them?”. This is not a new concept. In fact, that’s probably the first thing I ever learned at my first job decades ago. Yet, we forget to consider others’ perspectives, and it leads to countless missed opportunities.
Does that resonate?
You may think “I don’t do that”. So, let me ask you, have you ever experienced any of the following situations?
· Applied for a job you thought was perfect for you, but you weren’t selected.
· Proposed an idea to your supervisor and were told not to implement it.
· Wanted someone’s support and help but didn’t get it.
· Asked someone to change their behavior but they didn’t.
· Tried to sell a service or product to people who didn’t want to buy it.
You thought “I have the solution to their problem. Why can’t they see that? What’s wrong with them?” There is nothing wrong with them. It’s just that you presented what’s meaning to yourself, and not what is meaningful to them.
What’s in it for them?
If you want to influence people, you need to start by understanding their goals, priorities, values, and perceived obstacles. Be mindful of the pressure they are under and of their limitations. You need to ask them questions and listen rather than speak first, to be able to adapt to them.
When you listen closely, you can detect some patterns in what people say. Some are driven by service, others by prestige, and so on. Some feel chronically overworked and overwhelmed and will not agree to anything that would cost them more time. Show them how what you’re proposing will save them time.
Some people are afraid of making mistakes, so provide them as much reassurance as possible about how your solution can accurately address their challenges. Some people love speed, so show them how change can happen quickly. Some people are more process-oriented, so show them all the steps involved to make them feel at ease. And the list goes on and on. Basically, know your audience! And speak in a way that is meaningful to them.
Other factors
In some cases, there is nothing you can do because the timing is not favorable. For example, if you are trying to persuade someone who has recently lost a loved one and is grieving, or is going through any kind of traumatic event, they may not be receptive to anything at that particular moment in time.
Before you get your feelings hurt, keep in mind that you don’t know what you don’t know about someone or what they are going through. When the situation is unclear, do your best to assume positive intentions. There is no benefit to using your imagination to create a narrative that will upset you.
You also need to be open to the possibility that your idea is not what is best for that person. We all have biases based on our passions and values. As a coach, I think the solution to most workplace problems is coaching (assuming the person is coachable). If you have pain in your body, a chiropractor will believe you need adjustments, a surgeon will want you to have surgery, a regular doctor will prescribe pain killers, a nutritionist will want to put you on an anti-inflammatory diet, and a yoga teacher will recommend yoga. Ultimately, what you choose to do is up to you. Certainly, each one of these individuals can be more convincing than others but if you are pro or against any modality, some practitioners will not stand a chance. And that’s ok.
Bottom line
I hope this post reminded you to do your best to be influential and not judge people who are not receptive to what you are trying to offer. Feeling rejected has never made anyone feel stronger or more resourceful. So, understand that you can’t win 100% of the time, and keep doing your best. Read books, take classes, watch podcasts, or even better, work with a coach one-on-one to develop your ability to influence with integrity. It will serve you not only at work, but with every aspect of your life. Click here if you would like to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how I can help you get better outcomes and increase your confidence and power of influence. I look forward to meeting you.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness, reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.