Frustration all around
You have a mission, you are fighting for a cause dear to your heart, and despite your efforts, you don’t see progress. You feel ignored. How can that be? Let’s take a look at our society and current patterns to shed light on the cause of your struggle.
Society in 2024
Things have changed dramatically. 2000 was the year I moved from France to California. I was here when 9/11 happened, and was simultaneously devastated by this tragedy, and touched by how Americans “became one”, showed solidarity, and did everything they could to help victims and their families, even though they were strangers. That was inspiring. The concept of “one nation, indivisible” was proven true.
Now, if you asked people to describe our society, many would answer “divided”. What happened to caring, empathy, support, and morals??? The media succeeded at using fear to manipulate people and create/amplify conflict and division. Think about the friendships that were lost because of disagreements on presidential elections, the covid vaccine, accusations of corruption, gender issues, religion, the war in Ukraine, and now the conflict in Israel and Gaza. It’s heart-breaking and it’s turning good people into insensitive self-righteous people.
Do you want to advance your cause?
Are we too triggered and reactive to access our emotional intelligence and design effective strategies? Individuals who make accusations and express anger and hostility, are often driven by the urgency to bring social justice. But those who act in a self-righteous manner tend to talk more than they listen. They want to inform and influence “the other side”. Somehow, we have normalized turning people who have a different point of view, or who are not focused on the same issues, as “villains”. Let’s end this madness.
Are you passionate about social justice, diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, or any other positive change? If yes, please understand that your power to influence can grow or be destroyed by your level of credibility. I can’t deny that witnessing injustice can rattle us but screaming “check your privilege” at innocent people on a daily basis isn’t going to make anyone sound like someone we could trust to act professionally and respectfully in important meetings.
Don’t shoot the messenger but let me tell you that when good intentions lead to frustration and anger, you can no longer think of yourself as a change agent because your volatile personality and inappropriate outbursts will make people want to get away from you. If you truly want to be influential, you need to change your strategy and behavior. Here are a few tips:
Things to keep in mind and implement
Pick your battles carefully. If you act as a whistle blower, make sure there is something worth fighting for. Otherwise, you’ll be seen as a complainer who finds fault everywhere and wastes people’s time by making a big deal out of normal daily events.
Treat people with respect, and please, watch your tone. No exception. No matter how passionate or outraged you might be in the moment, if your communication style is overly critical or defensive, your co-workers won’t feel safe around you, and won’t be receptive.
Don’t act (don’t even send an e-mail) when you are feeling strong emotions. You can draft something, but then put it aside for a couple of days, while you cool off, so that you can look at it with fresh eyes and re-evaluate how your words will be received. In fact, do yourself a favor, and create a habit before you speak to ask yourself “How will this be received?” and you will often decide to choose different words or wait for a more opportune time.
Develop a sense of curiosity. When other people don’t see what you see as problematic, or have a different opinion, ask them questions to genuinely try to understand their perspective. You can’t influence them if you don’t understand them. There might be a legitimate reason why your idea cannot be implemented.
Remember that “the other side” is likely to want to be heard too, and listening to them first will appease them, and help them open their minds to what you have to say. On the other hand, if you dismiss them, they will dismiss you too. If you try to correct them, they will try to correct you too. You won’t get anywhere.
Timing is important. Not everything is an emergency. If you need to have a sensitive conversation with someone, make an appointment instead of catching them on their way to the bathroom. Make sure they are able to give you their undivided attention.
Keep in mind what their priorities may be. For example, if a President is at risk of getting fired by the Board because of critical issues on campus, that’s probably not a good day to discuss the need for a gender-neutral bathroom in the faculty lounge. What is top of mind for you may not be top of mind for someone with bigger or more urgent challenges.
When possible, try to link what you are advocating for, to an important goal that the leadership team is trying to reach. As much as you can, present what you are asking as a way to get positive results on the metrics that are evaluated with scrutiny (e.g., reputation, enrollment, student success, attracting talent etc.)
Focus on the issue that needs to be addressed and make sure not to make anything personal. Don’t attack anyone’s character (even if it’s deserved) because it would add fuel to the fire, and people would get defensive and could retaliate. No good ever comes from that.
And finally, remember that you are all on the same team, all being servant-leaders at a college or university, and all working towards the same goals. You need to work together instead of creating conflict. Turn people into allies, not villains, and everything will change.
If you are passionate about your work but you don’t have as much influence as you would like on your campus, I invite you to click here to make an appointment to speak with me about how we can work together. I will help you identify blind spots, transform your mindset, stop habits that are holding you back, and engage in new behaviors to become a more effective and influential leader on your campus.
If on the other hand, you found this article offensive because you feel oppressed and you think I am suggesting self-repression, please remember the importance of keeping your eyes on the goal, which is to be effective at creating the change you want to see on your campus. If you feel people don’t take you seriously and you have no influence, it’s high time to try something different. Try this and let me know what resulted from your higher level of self-awareness, emotional intelligence and willingness to be collaborative. And if you can’t take your attention away from your own deep personal suffering, my heart goes out to you, and I urge you to seek counseling or therapy because you deserve freedom and happiness. When issues feel more personal than they actually are, it often means there is past trauma coloring how you see like unfolding, and that needs to be healed, not just for your career, but for yourself, because you matter!
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.