An all too common story
People often reach out to me to help them leave a toxic work environment. While each person’s story is unique and heart-breaking, there is a common pattern that needs to be addressed.
Can you relate to this?
Qualifying your work environment as toxic didn’t happen overnight. You didn’t just have one bad day. You’ve been exposed to unkind words and unfair behaviors for months or even years. To try to make sense out of the situation, you’ve had conversations with friends and even co-workers that left you feeling validated but powerless to change.
Your desire to analyze and understand led you to judge people, label them (e.g. bully, narcissist, power-hungry, or even sociopath) and assign blame, often forgetting to take any responsibility for the situation at all. People’s sympathy may have soothed your emotions for a moment but the disempowering story you keep repeating closes your mind to solutions. You think your only hope is to leave and find a healthier work environment elsewhere.
Putting things in perspective
How toxic is your workplace? Some clients tell me about abusive language, complete disregard for employees, manipulation, and other behaviors that are so shocking that I need to make sure I keep my composure and don’t say “You gotta get out of there!!!”
On the other hand, some people judge their supervisor very harshly because they refuse to look at themselves and choose to deflect accusations. It’s easier to blame someone else than to acknowledge their own weaknesses. When people refuse to receive feedback and dismiss their supervisor’s guidance, egos get bruised, things get personal, and conflict escalates.
I had to mention this because people’s perception of reality is subjective and particularly distorted when they feel powerlessness, fear, and anxiety. But for the purpose of this article, let’s agree that your workplace is indeed toxic and you’re not exaggerating the problem in your mind.
Your current reality
Even if you’ve done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve the way you’ve been treated, you should still be willing to look at yourself. People who have worked in a toxic environment for some time have developed fears about what can go wrong and are less able to handle problems than they used to be. They lost some of their resilience and self-confidence. That’s perfectly normal! If it has happened to you, please don’t feel bad about it, but acknowledge you need some healing, just like you would if you had a sprained ankle or a broken leg.
The mind’s job is to keep us safe. Past events that were painful create fears that these events might happen again. Fear is meant to discourage us from doing dangerous things. But in a situation like this, fear will make it hard for you to trust people. You’ll feel a need to protect yourself that can make you look guarded and maybe feel a little paranoid. You might attribute bad intentions to people when you don’t understand their actions. You are likely to create friction when there is nothing wrong, because you are still carrying the pain of the past.
People who are desperate to escape a toxic environment are often terrified of accepting a job somewhere that might be toxic too. Going from one type of victimhood to another is a thought they cannot bear.
How to stop being afraid
If you don’t know how to make things better where you are now, you still won’t know what to do when you are challenged in a similar way elsewhere. The only way to stop being afraid is to stop reacting the way you have been reacting, and to start learning more effective ways to handle challenging situations. Think of your current workplace as a lab, where you will practice new skills, so that you stop being triggered and be a better and stronger version of yourself when you set foot on your new campus after having accepted a new position.
I wish I could say “follow three simple steps and all your fears will be gone in ten minutes” but that’s not realistic. I highly encourage you to work with an executive coach on how to handle workplace challenges rather than trying to do it alone. If you’ve experienced deep trauma, you may need to speak with a therapist before working with a coach. Choose what you’re most comfortable doing but choose something. If you don’t deal with your feelings, they will continue to control you and make you miserable, no matter where you go work.
In the meantime, here are a few things you can practice to reduce your sense of powerlessness.
Stop judging the people who you think are hurting you. Stop analyzing what you think is wrong with them because it reinforces the feeling of being victimized.
Stop talking about the behaviors you can’t stand (or at least talk about them less often) because it brings you pain and adds no value. It robs you of the opportunity to focus on the present moment.
Observe your thoughts. If your thoughts make you feel weaker, redirect them to something that makes you feel stronger.
Intentionally direct your attention to things that give you a sense of control.
Focus on goals that make you feel inspired and passionate.
Practice gratitude as many times a day as possible.
Spend more time with people who love you and make you feel safe.
Look for ways to show kindness and be of service to others.
Avoid using food, alcohol, technology, or other addictive substances or behaviors to numb your emotions.
Go in nature more often.
Exercise.
Reclaiming your personal power
If you’re reading this, you are a leader in higher education. A LEADER! That means that when you don’t feel overwhelmed, when you feel like your normal self, you do enjoy learning new skills. I don’t know what happened to you but I am sure you would benefit from learning new techniques related to interpersonal relationships and effective communication.
Someone took away your personal power (temporarily). I don’t want that to ever happen to you again. Let’s team up and implement strategies to gain more influence, improve relationships with difficult people, get off their radar so that they will leave you in peace, and rebuild your self-confidence and optimism. Click here to schedule a complimentary call as soon as possible.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.