Conversations can quickly become confrontational
During coaching sessions, I help my clients find new ways to communicate with people on subjects that are sensitive. Since we have enough one-one-one time, I get to ask questions to understand the psychology of all parties involved and tailor solutions least likely to trigger specific employees. But there are also some simple tools that are helpful for everyone, and I highly encourage you to use them.
The root cause of conflict in the workplace is simply that two (or more) people have a different perspective on a situation. Typically, both want to be heard and understood, and want to convince the other that they are right. Nobody truly listens and things escalate.
Even if you don’t know exactly how someone else thinks, what lenses they have when they assign meaning to events, or what they seek, and what they avoid, if you pause and ask yourself two powerful questions, your common sense will spare you a lot of unnecessary conflict.
Two questions
Higher ed. leaders are often unaware that, what they have chosen as their own communication style isn’t going to work with everyone. They also sometimes forget that different people have different priorities and different ways of responding to situations. I often remind my clients to develop curiosity and learn to ask non-threatening questions instead of risking using an accusatory tone. Before you start a conversation that could become confrontational, please ponder these two questions:
How is that going to be received?
Will that be effective?
Please remember that ultimately, what matters isn’t what you got off your chest by talking without filters, but what people heard and what they will do with the information. Here are two practical examples.
1. Keeping employees accountable
Many managers avoid accountability because it can be unpleasant. But when we postpone difficult conversations, we implicitly tell the person that their behavior is tolerated, and they can continue. Over time, those issues tend to get much larger. The most uncomfortable conversations are those we’ve been avoiding and have become emotionally charged.
Imagine that someone who reports to you always misses deadlines and you have created a narrative in your mind that they don’t care, they make excuses, they spend too much time socializing rather than working, or maybe even that they are tormenting you on purpose! With that state of mind, it will be difficult to have a calm and effective meeting discussing accountability and meeting expectations.
If you start by making accusations (justified or not), most employees will get defensive. Instead, you can use curiosity and ask non-threatening questions such as “Can you please tell me what prevented you from meeting last week’s deadline, so that I can try to help overcome obstacles?” or “Is there something you needed but didn’t get last week in order to meet the deadline, such as information, clarification, or reminder?”
Phrase your question in a way that doesn’t make the person feel attacked but makes them reflect on why they dropped the ball. You might learn that your expectations were unrealistic, or that there is something wrong or ineffective in the process, or discover other issues preventing your employee from performing, and it’s your job to fix those issues. Most of the time, the employee may realize that they do not have a good reason, and the problem was that they were disorganized, they forgot, or were not clear on priorities. If they take responsibility for the role they played in the deadline being missed, they are more likely to correct their behavior.
Again, the point is to consider how your words will be received (accusation versus simple inquiry with a desire to show support) and if they will be effective.
In that particular example, after your employee has identified what caused the issue, you can brainstorm together how to prevent it from happening again. The next step is to make sure your employee explicitly agrees to take the steps to prevent that problem. Never assume that someone has agreed with you simply because they didn’t push back. Silence doesn’t automatically mean agreement.
2. Making employees feel supported
Lately, I have heard about a few situations where an employee asked for something and their supervisor wanted to make them feel heard and seen, and responded something like “I agree with you. You are absolutely right. If it were up to me, I would allow it immediately. But upper leadership won’t let me.” That is a terrible way to handle the situation. The employee may feel closer to you in a “misery loves company” way but high-performing employees will lose confidence in your leadership since you are telling them you have no influence, no skill to advocate for them, and you committed the unforgivable act of bad-mouthing your superiors, and did it behind their backs!
In that scenario, how will your words be received? Terribly. Will they be effective? If your goal was to show support and improve employee motivation and loyalty, it’s an epic failure. If your goal was to avoid responsibility, you may think you’ve been effective but that was at a terrible cost. You simply can’t be a leader if you shy away from responsibility.
Instead, use curiosity. Ask your employee to elaborate on what they are asking for, show how it’s aligned with department goals, why it’s a good idea, what will be the return on investment, etc. so that you are informed enough to make your own opinion, and go advocate for them if you believe their request was something worth fighting for. Oftentimes, you will discover while discussing what is being proposed, that there are alternatives that would accomplish the same goal but at a lower cost or reduced effort/inconvenience/consequences. Once again, skillful inquiry is the most effective approach.
I could write an entire book on how curiosity and skilled inquiry can prevent conflict and help people solve problems together as a team. Are you curious to learn more? Would you like to learn and practice new communication skills? Click here to schedule a complimentary call with me and discuss how we can work together. Many colleges and universities pay for executive coaching because they know how significant the return on investment is, so don’t wait. I look forward to speaking with you soon.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.