Don’t expect everyone to be like you
The most common mistake we make in higher ed. is thinking that if we present a fact or argument eloquently and logically, other people will be convinced. The truth is, interpersonal relationships are affected by emotions, values, and priorities, not just facts. We can’t expect other people to think and feel the same way we do.
When you have to speak first
Depending on the circumstances, you may be expected to speak first, such as when you have to make an announcement to your team. If you are the one to set the tone, make sure to start with a pre-frame that will open people’s minds to something positive. Here are some suggestions:
“We have more clarity about [insert perceived issue] and I am happy to share with you details that will make us all feel more prepared/in control.”
“I’ve had a chance to think through the changes coming from our leadership, and I see exciting opportunities that I want to share with you.”
“All things considered, the news is as good as we could have hoped for! Let me tell you more.”
Of course, you don’t want to sound disingenuous so choose words that fit your style, but make sure to avoid anything like “this is going to be hard to hear” or “this isn’t what we had hoped for” or “this is the hard part”, etc.
By using a pre-frame, you are telling people’s unconscious minds what to prepare for. Will everyone follow you blindly? No, of course not. Haters are going to hate. But it won’t be because of the clumsy way you announced difficult news. As always, control what you can and let go of what is outside of your control. That’s the best you can do, and you can’t do more than your best!
When you don’t have to speak first
For some people, not speaking first takes self-discipline. But I promise you, if you take a moment to listen to others to understand their perspective, you will be able to customize what you say to what matters to them. You will be much more effective in your efforts to influence others. You may ask some questions about their needs, wants, concerns, problems, goals, frustrations, hopes, etc. to know what to address.
Also, if you are willing to listen, people will appreciate being heard and understood instead of dismissed or redirected to a conversation that isn’t meeting their needs.
In one-on-one meetings
Use the two techniques described above, listen before you speak, and choose a positive frame for what you have to say. In addition, when you are meeting with someone one-on-one, you can influence their subconscious and make them feel at ease by doing what we call “match and mirror”. I know not everyone is an NLP fan like me, so I’ll keep it simple.
If you match someone’s energy level, speech, cadence, choice of words, tone, and even their breath, they will feel more comfortable with you. That may seem abstract at first, so of course I encourage you to learn more about it, or let me demonstrate it if you’d like us to work together. At the very least, notice when people speak fast or slowly. If you think fast and speak fast, people who take longer to think and articulate their thoughts may frustrate you. You may be tempted to accelerate even more to give them a clue to hurry up, but that would break rapport, create discomfort, and damaged trust. Different styles create distance while matching someone’s natural style will make them like you, even if they don’t know why. Finally, when possible, mirror their posture, facial expression, and use similar words.
Use metaphors
If a concept is a little difficult to grasp, think of a metaphor that will bring clarity easily. Be mindful of what metaphors you choose because they create an emotional reaction that could reinforce what you are trying to convey, or accidentally make other people feel powerless.
Pay attention to what you tell yourself (or others). For example, if you have a lot of work to do and think, “I am drowning, barely keeping my head above water” you will feel even worse. Words like these amplify negative feelings so make sure to avoid them.
When things appear to fall apart, you can think of a Phoenix rising from the ashes, stronger than ever. If the future is uncertain, be the strong captain of a ship that can handle choppy waters. You can be a skilled pilot safely landing a plane. You can be a rock that people lean on. Use metaphors for situations as well as people to help others create a positive perspective.
Break old habits
When we face the same issue over and over with a person or group, it usually means that consciously or not, we are enabling them. Is there someone driving you crazy? Please ask yourself what role you play in those dynamics and how you might accidentally be rewarding the behaviors you wish to discourage. It’s common; it happens in every department.
For example, if someone isn’t performing well so you don’t trust them and only give them simple tasks, you are rewarding them. If someone always misses deadlines so you finish their work for them, you are enabling them. If someone finds a way to control conversations and distracts you from what you meant to say, you’ve let them. This is not about self-blame but to identify what you can do differently to modify other people's behaviors.
Are you excited at the thought of gaining more influence? Click here to schedule a call with me and discuss how I can help you get better results with your team and colleagues.
About the author: Dr. Audrey Reille has empowered thousands of professionals through one-on-one coaching, group coaching, speaking engagements, and online courses. Audrey is the go-to executive coach for leaders in higher education administration. She empowers them to thrive by improving communication, confidence, executive presence, effectiveness, reducing stress, optimizing strategies, improving professional relationships, and developing a strong and empowered mindset.